The Virginity Curse
by The Badfic Fairy
Summary: Iruka just can't seem to get any "respect," if you know what I mean. Warnings: yaoi AND het, strange pairings, sexual humor, aborted limes.


Disclaimer: Naruto ain't mine, folks, and neither is the money Kishimoto's makin' off of it.

Warnings: Bisexual Iruka, weird pairings, Freud mockery.

The Virginity Curse

"So," the doctor started, pushing his spectacles further up his hooked nose. "Vere vould you like to begin, Herr?"

"Umino. Umino Iruka." Said young man fidgeted nervously on the couch, looking at everything in the room except for the doctor. That was a very nice picture he had up on the wall there, a deer, a pig and a butterfly playing poker--

"Vell? I'm vaiting for your answer, Herr Umino. My time is not free you know."

Iruka started at the voice. "I'm sorry," he said, "what was the question again?"

A sigh. "Since you seem unable to formulate a plan of attack, Herr Umino, I suppose I shall have to make one for you. Let us start vith your mother."

"L-Let's leave my mother out of this discussion," Iruka stammered, face flushing tomato red. "I really don't think she'd want to listen to this."

"Oh, really?" the doctor said. "Then, vat vere you thinking of discussing?"

"Well... what I came here for is really..." Iruka dropped his eyes and his voice softened. "I have some problems with..." He mumbled the last word under his breath, causing the doctor to lean forward.

"You have some problems vith... vat?"

Iruka took a deep breath and looked the doctor in the eye. "With sex. I have some problems with sex."

"I see." The doctor sat back and steepled his fingers, regarding his patient carefully. Iruka turned away again. "Vere you und your mother... close?"

Iruka blinked. "Yes. What does that have to do with this?"

The doctor picked up his legal pad and began scratching illegible words onto it. "Vell, Herr Umino, many men who are close to their mothers ven they are younger find it difficult to... function vith a voman. They find themselves thinking of mother at inappropriate times. Tell me, ven you are about to... go to bed vith a voman, do you find yourself smelling homemade miso?"

"No!" Iruka sputtered, thoroughly offended. "My mother has _nothing_ to do with this!"

"It is as you say," the doctor conceded, but Iruka could tell he wasn't convinced. "Vat is the problem, then, if it does not concern your mother?"

Iruka took a deep breath. Then he took another one. A third. The doctor started tapping his fingers on the desk at his side. "It's just," Iruka began, then shook his head and began in earnest. "I'm twenty-five years old, doctor, and I'm beginning to think I'll never have sex in my life."

The doctor nodded thoughtfully. "You are not alone, Herr Umino. Many young men feel they vill never, as they put it, 'get laid.' However, I have treated many who have overcome their social anxiety and gone on to have--"

"It's not exactly that, doctor," Iruka interrupted standing to pace the floor. "I'm not shy, I've had plenty of dates, and it's not that I think no one will ever be attracted to me, because I know for a fact that quite a few people have been. It's just," he paused and frowned at the bookcase in front of him, then turned dramatically to face the doctor. "I think I'm cursed."

The doctor's eyebrows shot up to his receding hairline. "Cursed, Herr Umino?"

"Cursed, Dr. Gutenlieben."

After a few minutes of silence, the doctor put down his legal pad. "Sit down, Herr Umino, and tell me vy you think you are cursed."

Iruka fell to the couch with a thud and buried his face in his hands. "Where do I begin?"

"Vell, vy don't you start vith your most recent sexual venture?"

Iruka sighed. The clock ticked. The doctor started drumming his fingers again.

"Her name is Suzume," Iruka blurted out. "She teaches specialized kunoichi classes at the Academy." He paused.

"Good, good," the doctor said. "Go on."

"We weren't really... dating, per se. Just prolonged eye contact, brushing against each other in the halls between classes... you know, flirting."

"I see."

"And one day it got... intimate."

_The bell rang, loud and clear, signaling the beginning of the student's lunch hour. Iruka ushered the last one out of the classroom, then turned back to his desk to get his papers together. Just as he slid the last one into his messenger bag, he heard a polite cough from the doorway. He turned around and grinned at what he saw._

"_Suzume-sensei," he said, hefting the bag onto his shoulder and approaching her for their daily flirting session. He was surprised, though, when she took off her glasses and pulled him into a long, hard kiss._

"_Iruka-sensei," she panted when they finally parted, "don't you think we're a little old for these games?"_

"_I think you're right," he said, pulling away. "But this isn't the place." He grabbed her hand and dragged her out of the classroom, down the hall, and into a convenient supply closet a few doors down._

"_Somehow, this feels appropriate," Suzume said, hands pushing the chuunin vest off his shoulders as Iruka fumbled with the zipper to her dress._

"Und? Did you complete the act of intimacy, Herr Umino?" Iruka startled at the sudden interruption, then fell back into his thoughts.

_Just as Suzume's soft, smooth hands delved into the back of his pants, the general alarm went off. One of the other teachers burst into the closet just as they shoved away from each other, blushing wildly._

"_What the hell are you two doing?" the teacher shouted as they hurriedly fixed their clothing. "The Sand and the Sound have betrayed us! The village is under attack!"_

"...it didn't happen."

The doctor waited for Iruka to divulge more details of his escapade, but his patient remained silent. He picked up his clipboard again. "Und did you ever see her again?"

"No. She said the mood was ruined," Iruka sighed.

"I see. But Herr Umino, one incident does not a curse make. It does not even indicate a pattern."

"That's not the only time it happened, though."

"Oh, really? Do tell. Und give some details this time, it's difficult to know vat vent wrong ven I don't even know vat vent right."

Iruka glanced around the room as he gathered his thoughts. His eyes fell upon the painting again, only to find that it was no longer a deer, a pig and a butterfly playing poker, but instead a snake, a frog and a slug. He blinked, then put it out of his mind. Must be a trick of the light.

"There was another teacher," he said slowly, "a couple of years ago."

"Oh? Vat vas her name?" the doctor asked, leaning forward in his armchair.

"He. His name was Mizuki." Iruka blushed and looked away as the doctor cleared his throat.

"I see. Go on."

"One day after class, we went to a bar together for drinks..."

"_...and then, the dog says to the shoe salesman, 'Of course I'd date you! You know how to heel better than I do!'" Iruka laughed at his own awful joke louder than he had the right to, but he was drunk so he didn't notice. He did notice that his glass was full again, courtesy of Mizuki, and raised it to toast his generous coworker before downing it in one gulp._

"_Thanks again, Mizuki-sensei," he said, slamming the glass back onto the table loudly enough to make the bartender wince._

"_Don't mention it," Mizuki said, rubbing his shoulder fondly and nursing his second drink. "You need to loosen up, Iruka-sensei, and I thought since it's your birthday anyway..."_

"'_ppreciate it," Iruka answered. "Think I'd better stop though, this' about my limit. Ibiki's starting to look good." He stood slowly, aided by Mizuki who transferred his hand from Iruka's shoulder to around his waist._

"_Is that so?" Mizuki asked, fishing a wad of bills out of his pocket and leaving them on the table. He half-dragged Iruka out of the stuffy bar and into the cool night air._

"_Yup. Hmm, feels nice," Iruka sighed, sliding his own arm around Mizuki's shoulder._

"_I know something that'll feel better," Mizuki said, voice low and husky._

_Iruka giggled when he felt Mizuki's tongue slip into his ear. "Tickles... You like me, Mizuki-sensei?"_

"_Yes," Mizuki answered, not-so-subtly guiding Iruka into a nearby alley. "For a while now."_

"_Hmm," Iruka sighed as Mizuki pushed him up against the wall. "Might be better on a bed."_

"_You mind?" Mizuki asked, sliding his hands up Iruka's shirt._

"_Nope."_

"So you vent into the alley vith this man," the doctor interrupted. "Und?"

"_You'll like this," Mizuki whispered huskily, one hand fondling Iruka's backside and the other fiddling with the button on his pants. "No, you'll love it, my little dolphin."_

_Iruka stared at him for a moment, then shoved him away, laughing hysterically. Mizuki frowned at him. "I'm trying to seduce you, Iruka," he snapped._

"_I know, I know," Iruka chortled, wiping tears of mirth from his eyes. "But... dolphin!"_

"_I thought it was romantic."_

"_Look, Mizuki! I'm a dolphin!" Iruka cried, flapping his arms around to simulate flippers. "Eeeekeeekeekeek!"_

"_Screw this, I'm going home."_

_Mizuki stomped out of the alleyway, leaving Iruka curled on his side in laughter. After a few minutes he calmed down enough to realize he was half-clothed, aroused and alone on the floor of an alley, and that that state of being was entirely his fault. It was then that he resolved never to drink again._

"...it didn't happen," Iruka answered.

"Vell, your..." the doctor paused as he searched for words, "failure in this incident may have a simple explanation, Herr Iruka. Perhaps you are heterosexual?"

"No, no," Iruka said, rubbing his forehead. "I like men, I do. Just..." he choked back laughter at the memory. "It wasn't that I wasn't interested, just that it never quite got done, you know?"

"I see." The doctor made a few notes on his legal pad. "Very vell, then, Herr Umino. Do you recall any incidents in vich you vere not... interested?"

Iruka flushed bright red as another memory hit him.

_Iruka eyed the cloth in his hand with some trepidation. "...I really have to wear this?" he asked._

"_Of course!" his partner chirped, rummaging through his bookcase. "And then you have to pretend to ignore me while while we are in the throes of passion!"_

_Iruka frowned, nonplussed. Then he shrugged and put the mask on. Maybe the guy was a little weird, but rumor had it that the sex was good, and Iruka needed good sex. _Needed_ it. After six long, hard years of failing to get laid, he'd take anything, as long as he didn't have to pay it. Mother wouldn't have approved._

"_Ah-hah!" the man cried, holding up a worn book with a pink cover. "Read this, my bedmate-to-be! It will help set the mood!" He turned around and smiled._

"Well, one time I..." he paused. "I couldn't... get into it."

"Und vy, may I ask?"

"It was the teeth," Iruka said.

_Iruka blinked, blinded. When his vision cleared, he stared. And stared. Those teeth... they were huge. And shiny. And he couldn't look away. He stared even as the man approached him, wrapped his arms around him, opened his mouth to speak--_

_--sharp teeth, heat of fire, a feral growl as the demon snapped a man's head off at the shoulder--_

_--Iruka kneed Gai in the groin and fled the room, shaking in terror._

"Und after that, Herr Maito began vearing those skintight green jumpsuits?"

Iruka buried his face in his arms. "Yes."

"I see." A few more scribbles on the notepad. "Tell me, Herr Umino, did your mother often brush her teeth?"

"For the last time, leave my mother out of this!" Iruka shouted. That remark had hit a little too close to home.

"Very vell, Herr Umino, ve vill talk about your mother later." He glanced at the clock. "Are there any other experiences to back up this 'curse' theory of yours?"

Iruka thought for a moment. "I already told you about the time I couldn't... get it up." He blushed again. "And then another time..."

"_I'm sorry, Iruka," Anko sighed, rolling over to face the wall. "You're a nice guy, you really are, but..." She sighed again. "I guess, once you've had a tongue like that, you can never go back to human men."_

"...she couldn't get it up. And something like that has happened every time I try to--to sleep with someone. So you see, doctor, I think I'm just meant to stay a virgin for life."

The doctor nodded silently and leaned back in his chair, tapping his fingers together in thought. After a minute or so, he leaned forward suddenly, startling Iruka, who nearly fell off the back side of the couch.

"Herr Umino," he said as Iruka righted himself, "I think ve may better understand the source of your problem if ve go straight to the root of it. Tell me about your first attempt at a sexual experience."

The change in Iruka was immediate and obvious. He sat still as a statue, face blank, eyes dark. "Herr Umino?" the doctor tried.

"We had a date," Iruka said without flair. "We would do it after we'd finished our chuunin exams."

"Go on."

"It didn't happen."

The doctor nodded. "Your partner changed their mind?"

"She died. I made chuunin, and she died."

There was silence for a long moment. "I see," the doctor finally said. Iruka blinked and shook himself.

"I'd rather not talk about that anymore, doctor."

"As you vish." The doctor placed his legal pad back on the desk. "Vell, Herr Umino, our time is almost up, und I believe I have found a solution to your problem."

Iruka perked up immediately. "You do?"

"Yes." The doctor stood from his chair and approached his patient. Iruka started to stand as well, but fell back onto the couch when the doctor shoved him.

"D-Doctor Gutenlieben?" he gulped.

"Ve vill simply take your virginity here und now," the doctor purred. "Once a curse is broken, it remains broken. So." He shrugged off his long white coat and moved his hands to the base of his throat. "Vat do you think of my plan, Herr Umino?"

"Well, uh," Iruka stuttered, "it's a little sudden."

"Just as intended," the doctor said, then peeled off his latex mask to reveal the face of Iruka's mother.

Iruka chose that moment to wake up. He stared at his whitewashed ceiling for a moment, trying to get his pounding heart under control. Just a dream, he repeated to himself over and over again. He raised his hand to push his hair away from his forehead and grimaced as he discovered his pajamas were soaked in sweat. He grimaced again as he realized that, despite the rather nightmarish ending to his dream, his body was flushed with arousal.

"Damnit," he mumbled as he got out of bed and stripped. "This is the last straw. If I don't get laid soon, I'm gonna explode."

He pulled the sheets off his bed, not intending to return to it, not tonight. It was only--he glanced at the alarm clock by his bed--11:32. The night was still young. He decided to shower first, though: smelling sweaty was a definite turnoff, he'd discovered.

Iruka padded naked through his apartment to his tiny bathroom. Once there, he turned the shower on, as cold as he could make it, and stepped inside. The freezing water at once woke him up and calmed him down. After a few minutes, he turned the handle to warm. No way was he going to get laid tonight without washing his hair first.

He picked up his special apple-scented shampoo and squirted out a blob into his hand. Of course, this was the exact moment someone knocked at his front door.

Grumbling, Iruka wiped the shampoo off his hands and turned off the shower. He wrapped a towel around his waist, hurried to the front door and yanked it open, startling Aoba, who was standing on the other side.

"Yes?" he growled. Aoba stared at him, his mouth opening and closing like a dying fish's. Iruka crossed his arms over his chest and tapped his foot impatiently. Aoba recovered after a moment but said nothing. Instead, he looked Iruka up and down, then did it again, a faint blush rising to his face. He nervously shoved his hands into his pockets as he continued his scrutiny, gaze resting on certain areas far longer than on others.

Iruka smirked as he realized tonight's quest might be over already. Ten years of failing to get laid had taught him all the signs.

"I-Iruka-sensei," Aoba stammered as Iruka stalked towards him, but didn't move to escape. Instead, he blushed brighter as Iruka invaded his personal space, their breaths mingling.

"What do you want, Aoba-san?" Iruka whispered. When Aoba didn't respond, he grabbed Aoba's shoulders and pressed the younger man into the wall beside the door. "Anything in particular, or did you just want to... chat?"

Aoba gulped, hands timidly running down Iruka's arms. "There was something," he said, "but 'chatting' is fine too." He closed his eyes as Iruka leaned in.

After a few moments, they parted. Iruka exultantly unzipped Aoba's chuunin vest and slipped his hands inside, causing Aoba to gasp and pull him close again. "Be gentle," Iruka grunted, feasting on Aoba's neck. "It's my first time."

"Somehow I find that hard to believe," Aoba quipped. "Mmm... let's find a bed."

Iruka nodded against Aoba's shoulder and pulled away just in time to hear his door click shut. He stared at it in horror.

Automatic lock. Towel. Keys inside.

"Damnit," he growled, turning back to Aoba. "Where's your apartment?"

"Actually," Aoba laughed nervously, "the reason I came over here in the first place was to ask if I could borrow your lock picks. I'm kinda locked out too."

Iruka's frustrated scream rang throughout the night.

The End

Why write this? Because it's silly that, in fanfiction, Iruka is always a virgin until Kakashi comes along.


End file.
